Grievous Sins
by NobleWriterofWho
Summary: The Doctor can't save everyone. After an adventure that goes south her failings hit her hard. She is racked with guilt and reminded of her past that she can't stop from repeating. Luckily her fam is there to help her through anything. But, will she let them?


Authors Note: This is my first fanfiction. All constructive criticism is appreciated, actually, any criticism at all. Hope you like it! Oh, and spoilers! Just some references here and there nothing major.

Grievous Sins

-NobleWriterofWho

Summary: The Doctor can't save everyone. After an adventure that goes south her failings hit her hard. She is racked with guilt and reminded of her past that she can't stop from repeating. Luckily her fam is there to help her through anything. But, will she let them?

Disclaimer: I do not own Doctor Who.

The Doctor's lips quivered in horror. She had saved the day like she always did. With the help of her fam of course. The Wava's invasion of Woman Wept had been averted. Thousands of lives saved. But, at what cost? Her eyes were glued to the face of a child whose eyes were about to close forever. A child she should have saved.

"Jersey, it's ok. You're alright. You're going to be fine. We'll see those stars in a bit ok?" the Doctor lied.

She couldn't save him. He would never get to see the stars he dreamed of. Yellow blood poured from his midsection. He was holding on from a thread and it was about to break.

"Do you think my family is waiting for me in the afterlife? In Yanat?" he said his voice barely above a whisper.

The Doctor tried to smile but it was more of a grimace, "Of course they are!"

Then he was gone. So small, so young. It wasn't fair. Another child's blood on her already stained hands. She was so old now. So old that she avoided mirrors fearing what she would see. The eyes of a killer. How could she even call herself the Doctor? A voice broke through her dark thoughts.

"Doctor?"

Yaz of course it was her placing a hand on the Doctor's shoulder. Trying to comfort her like she deserved such a sentiment. The Doctor felt like shaking it off for a minute. Standing up and running away. But she couldn't. Jersey deserved better than to have his body left here. She closed his eyes with a shaky hand and waited for the authorities. This version of her found it harder to run away after the adventures. She had to make sure everything went right. Her previous selves would have bounded back to the TARDIS by now a smile on their face. She just couldn't. She held him close rocking gently back and forth. The sight was heartbreaking.

"Ma'am we'll take it from here," a deep voice said.

She blinked. Ma'am right yes that was her. Still getting used to that. Tenderly she scooted her body out from under him and placed him gingerly on the floor. She stood up looking at him one last time then slowly started walking back to the TARDIS. She didn't bother to see if her companions were following. She had to get away from here. She snapped and the doors opened letting her in. The TARDIS hummed at her sensing this trip had been trying. Yaz, Ryan, and Graham were right behind her closing the doors.

A collective sigh escaped the lips of her fam, but an eerie silence followed. They didn't know what to say. The Doctor made her way to the controls lacking her usual enthusiasm. For once the TARDIS took her where she wanted to go which was deep space. Nothing alive for thousands of miles. Nothing that she could kill. Maybe this is where she should stay. Maybe she should drop her companions off in Sheffield where she wouldn't be able to ruin their lives any more than she had. She knew that's what she should have done after she had taken them to see the asteroid named after Rosa Parks. But she had jumped with the offer of tea at Yaz's. And one thing led to another and before she knew it, they were asking to stay and she had let them. She had let them. All because she couldn't stand the thought of being alone. And at the same time, she couldn't let them get too close because she would enviably lose them. She curled up her fists and flicked a switch with more force than necessary. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

"Doc..."

This time it was Graham. He was taking a step toward her. Whatever he had to say she didn't want to hear. She didn't want to hear anything right now.

"I'm going for a wash," she said simply striding out of the control room as fast as her feet would take her.

They didn't follow her. Graham sighed shaking his head knowing that when she was ready she would listen. Yaz wanted to follow her, but she didn't want to upset the Doctor any more than she already was so she would wait. Ryan decided to follow Yaz's lead as the Doctor and her seemed to have some deep connection. He figured it was best to trust Yaz's judgement in these situations.

"Might as well get dinner started. I was thinking spaghetti," Graham stated looking at his grandson and Yaz.

Ryan and Yaz simply nodded their agreement making their way to the kitchen with him. Graham was very insistent on cooking and eating meals together. They were a family of sorts and this was the one thing they did that was slightly domestic. He got fussy when they didn't indulge him so they just gave in. Secretly everyone enjoyed it. The Doctor had been wary at first avoiding them whenever they were eating, but eventually they had enticed her with biscuits and tea. She usually showed up and ate with them. A few times she had even helped cook which they adored her for since she was a fantastic cook. (She said she had learned how in Paris in the eighteenth century.) It was a comfortable routine and after such an awful day it was made all the more appealing. Even more than that, even though they didn't voice it aloud, they were sure that food would draw the Doctor in.

While her companions were busy in the kitchen the Doctor was actually taking that bath. She was rubbing her skin raw. Trying as hard as she could to get the blood off her hands. The water was scolding hot, but she didn't notice. And there wasn't enough soap. She got out of the shower still not feeling clean. Never clean. Was this her punishment? She tried so hard to help when she could, but she was destined to lose people despite winning the war. Oh, Jersey. She was so sorry. There were so many emotions she couldn't even identify welling up inside her and pulling at her; begging for her attention. She tried to push them away. She threw on some night clothes and crawled in her bed. Everything hurt. Why did she bother? It would always end like this. She curled up in a ball and wished it all away. Somehow, she fell into a fitful sleep.

Yaz placed the biscuits on the table with her head held high. The Doctor loved biscuits; she would smell these and come running. Ryan poured them all tea which they had made in hopes that it too would draw in the Doctor. Graham's spaghetti was ready as well a plate set out for the Doctor. Her seat saved and waiting for her. Everything perfectly in place to attract a hungry Time Lady. But no Time Lady came. They sat in silence waiting and waiting. Nothing. Finally, they accepted that she was not coming and tried to eat. None of them had much of an appetite though. There was nothing to do to distract their minds from the horror's they had witnessed on Woman Wept.

"How do you think the Doc is taking it?" Graham asked out loud.

"Oh, I don't know how do you think she is taking it?" Yaz fired back not sure why she was directing her anger toward him.

"We should go find her," Ryan stated.

They all looked at each other. She was a private woman when she wanted to be, and they didn't want to make her uncomfortable. A silent agreement was made.

The Doctor's sheets were strangling her. As her body withered, they wrapped around her tighter and tighter. She couldn't breathe. Her mind was trapped in her night terrors. The ones that visited her every time she closed her eyes. She had tear tracks on her face that was contorted in pain. A whimper escaped her lips. She muttered one word over and over.

"Sorry!"

Faces flashed before her. Faces of people she had killed. They were frozen in terror. And it was for her. They were afraid of her. So many children all gone. And now Jersey was with them too. Rassilon, she was sorry. And still it didn't end. They had come back somehow. Now, they stood accusing her. She fell to her knees as they surrounded her. Their hands grabbed at her. At her face, her arms, her legs, her hair, her clothes, anything they could reach. Pure hatred burned in their eyes. Eyes of men, women, and children all ghosts from her past. They were trying to rip her apart. She didn't struggle against them. Why should she? They had every right to do whatever they wanted to her. She had murdered them. She went limp and closed her eyes. She hoped it would be over quick. Even though it was the opposite of what she deserved. Peace at long last. They thought they were her executioners but really, they were her saviors. Then, she made the mistake of opening her eyes.

Jenny. Her daughter. She looked exactly as she had on the day that she had been created. The same day she had died. Except, she wasn't like the others. She was tearing her way through the mob to the Doctor. And her eyes weren't full of hatred but compassion. She was illuminating a bright light. She threw herself over the Doctor shielding her from the mob's prying hands. Now the Doctor was screaming. Screaming at them to stop. They were going to hurt Jenny. And then her other children and grandchildren who had died long ago on Gallifrey were there too. They made a barrier with their bodies keeping the soulless creatures away from the Doctor. The Doctor fought with everything she had to stop them. The mob was running at them and trying anything they could to get to the Doctor. Despite the pain they refused to move. The Doctor could do nothing to protect them. She could only scream at them to stop.

"No!"

They were going to be killed. They were going to die. And it would be her fault. Again. She watched them start to fall one by one. She was collapsed to the ground sobbing. Rocking back and forth with her hands clamped over her ears she tried to block out their screams. It was no use. A fire was burning. The smoke stung her eyes. Then she realized where it was coming from. It was her. She was burning. She hadn't even felt the flames consuming her. She opened her mouth to scream-

"Doctor wake up!" Yaz yelled finally shaking her away Ryan and Graham were right behind her.

The Doctor's eyes were clouded over as she scampered away from her companions. She threw her arms up to protect her head whimpering. She fell off her bed and then immediately jumped to her feet. Her chest heaved as she her eyes darted around the room searching for a way out. She was shaking. Her hair was wild.

"Doc it's okay you were having a nightmare," Graham said calmly.

"You're in the TARDIS!" Ryan added.

Her eyes were clearer now. Hesitantly, she took a step toward them.

"Fam?"

They just went with it this time and nodded. All the tension left her body with a sigh. It wasn't one of relief but of weariness that somehow caked her slouched figure. Suddenly, she looked her age. The mask was gone. She sat down on her bed turned away from them.

"Sorry,"

"Why?" Ryan asked, "What have you got to be sorry for?"

She chuckled, it was void of humor, "So much,"

They expected her jump up and give them that mad grin then start ranting about something while she motioned them to follow her to the control room. To revert back to her regular exuberant, childlike self with those eyes full of kindness and wonder. But, she didn't. She sat there and refused to look at them. They heard her sniffle. The Doctor was startled to find their arms around her. No! She stopped breathing temporarily before realizing that they were hugging her. She gave a small laugh. She felt loved. Truly loved for the first time in a long time.

"How did you find me anyway?"

They looked at each other.

"The TARDIS sort of lead us here. It's hard to explain," Ryan finally said.

The Doctor smiled fondly. Of course she did. Her Old Girl was always watching out for her. The Doctor sensed their impatience. They wanted to know what her dream was about. She wasn't sure she could answer, but she had to try. She owed them that.

"I suppose you want to know why I'm in this state yeah?"

They all shook their heads no. She raised her eyebrows. Yaz hugged the Doctor a bit tighter.

"You don't need to tell us. We don't need to know. Just know that we're here for you no matter what Doctor!" Yaz said.

"What we need to know is that you don't blame yourself for what happened today, Doc,"

"Graham-" The Doctor started.

"No whatever you're going to say to try and convince me in some twisted way it is; I don't want to hear it! You saved everyone you could. Which was thousands if not millions of people. What happened to Jersey wasn't your fault. You did everything you could. You can't do that to yourself. That little boy's death is not your fault!" Graham told her firmly.

The Doctor stared at him for a long time. He believed what he said, that much was evident. He clearly didn't understand. But she couldn't explain to him why it was in fact her fault. He wouldn't listen anyway. The wheels turned in her head as she tried to consider his words. He was wrong; it was her fault. But, for them she had to pretend that she would consider it.

"Ok," she said.

"What do you mean ok?" Ryan asked.

"I'll try not to blame myself. I promise that I will try. Thank you, Yaz. And you too Ryan and Graham. I don't know what I did to have such good best friends!" the Doctor exclaimed throwing her arms around them.

"I do, Doctor. By being you. Just by being you," Yaz told her sincerely.

Her eyes felt damp. Happy tears. She felt so human. They were definitely her fam. Her nightmares might never go away and she would never be able to forget what caused them, but at least when she woke up they would be there to comfort her. To keep her from going truly mad. Maybe that would be enough. Just maybe. For now. She would never be able to make amends for her grievous sins, but with them by her side she would never stop trying.


End file.
